My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
