Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
