I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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