atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize