my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
