It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
