If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Randomize