ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
