I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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