I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
