I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
