Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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