He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
