Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
