Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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