Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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