Got a toothbrush?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
