at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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