My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
