Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
