but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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