you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
