Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
