The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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