glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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