Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Randomize
