A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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