Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
