Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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