I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
