At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
