if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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