and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
