My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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