do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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