so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize