you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
