You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
