the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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