girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
