Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
third nipple confirmed
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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