i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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