getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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