Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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