I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
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