His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
