you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
