Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
