last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
