i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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