When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
