Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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