i love accidental penises.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
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