he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
