he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
