i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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