I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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