i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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